It’s almost fall, which means different things to different people. To Springfield, Missouri news anchor Steve Grant, it means cheap candy.
To me, it means fall fashion.
Sadly, though, the main message of this month’s People Style Watch seems to be that fall 2013 is pretty much the same as fall 2012. There are apparently no new or different trends, no crazy silhouettes or wacko colors. If I didn’t know any better I’d think I was being told not to run and out buy all new clothes, but to instead use the perfectly good clothing that I already have! What a bunch of bologna. I am disappointed in you, People Style Watch. Very, very disappointed.
Without further ado, here are the trends that are sticking with us for another fall, like a nagging feeling that fashion is just a pointless game distracting us from our own mortality.
1. Peplums. I can’t wear these because I have an oddly proportioned torso. Other ladies seem to dig them, though. You do you, ladies.
2. Colorblock. Apparently we’re not supposed to wear colorblock clothes anymore, but we are supposed to wear colorblock pumps.
I don’t like any of the above, but what about these? I sort of maybe love them.
3. Animal motifs. Foxes, owls, and other adorable woodland creatures are in. Keep putting a bird on it!
3. Monochromatic. Wear all the same color head-to-toe, just like last year. You’ll look like fashionable crayon!
4. Oxblood. Yeah, it’s still here. Gross!
5. Pajama tops and pants. We’re supposed to wear our pajamas all the time now, I guess? People Style Watch tells me this was a trend last year but, yeah, Tony and I have been doing this for many years…
Although People Style Watch overwhelming recommends re-wearing last year’s trends, there are a couple items it suggests discarding. Thank God! How else am I supposed to do my part to ruin the environment if I just keep everything I buy? Ridiculous!
1. Collar necklace. I still think these are cute but, yeah, not cool anymore.
2. Mullet dresses. Wow, I just added a photo of myself wearing one of those to the about page. Fashion idiot over here.
There you have it! My hope is that People Style Watch continues promoting this exact same style minus a few things each year. By 2043 they’ll be forced to sell us our own naked bodies.
Also I hope we live in peace on an Earth-like spaceship with aliens who revealed themselves to us in 2030 and admitted they’d been here along, helping us build the pyramids and stuff. And I hope the aliens are cute and that our fashion shows are just us humans watching the aliens walk naked down the runway for hours before we take a break to eat astronaut ice cream together because, YES, we are really great friends who understand one another intimately and completely, in a way we had all but given up on back on Earth.
I say “all but given up on” because many of us humans could recall the day back on Earth, before the aliens showed themselves, when we’d had a sudden urge to be alone. We sought out empty rooms, closets, and dark hallways. Once in private, we were overcome with a feeling of peace and contentment. Some of us claimed to have had visions; others said they heard singing.
Later, when the aliens appeared and explained the physics of emotion, we understood that what we’d experienced on that singular day had been our own future happiness reverberating back through time towards us, assuring us that one day we would experience a profound and life changing love.
We would go on to forget many things about our earthly lives, but we would always remember the loneliness and sadness we often felt there. The aliens showed us a new way of being, one that is lovely and sweet and emotionally rich, and for that we are and will forever be grateful.