One important thing that school offers is time to think. Zoning out in class was probably the closest I’ve ever come to meditation, and I miss that more than anything else about high school or college.
Today I had to go to three hours worth of talks for my job and so I had a small taste of that again. One thing I was kept turning over in my head today is intuition, and how I’ve never trusted mine. I’m starting to wonder if that’s a bad thing, like maybe not listening to what my intuition is telling me is how I ended up in a job that requires ignoring fundamental parts of my personality. I feel like I’ve generally been more happy recently but today I worried that’s just because I’ve completely stopped thinking and am instead choosing to operate like a robot: go to work, come home, watch tv, sleep, go to work. That’s not being happy, that’s just not examining one’s emotions (good or bad) at all.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
–Mevlana Rumi (1207 – 1273)
Considering my intuition scares me because it offers an entirely different perspective/course of action than my brain. That dissonance makes me—more than anything—really sad, so much so that it scares me even to start thinking about it. One time in college I wrote, “I’m not brave and I don’t want to be,” but if that isn’t fear talking then what is?
Maybe my intuition could tell me how to be happy, or what I should be doing, or how to feel fulfilled. Is taking a leap of faith the same thing as following your intuition? If that isn’t important, then why are there so many phrases to describe this idea? Trusting your instincts, following your heart, trusting your gut, a “still, small voice”?
And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still, small voice.
–1 Kings 19:11-13
I wish I was a better writer so I could actually explain this thing that’s going on inside me and then ask for advice. But I can’t.
Proof that you’re a GREAT writer: this post. It’s also proof that you’re really smart because I want to think more about what you wrote, but whenever I start thinking about it, I just log back into this page and reread what you wrote because it’s more beautiful and graceful than what I’m thinking.
You always say the nicest stuff on Fawn Log!
Honestly, if I say something that seems intelligent to you it is really just sheer luck. Even a monkey can write Shakespeares!