I won’t go into the reasons why in this post, but the bottom line is I’ve recently become obsessed with sunscreen. Years of not wearing sunscreen has already done incurable damage to my skin, I’m sure. My desire to wear sunscreen now is really just a last ditch effort, like a  man holding onto a wooden plank for just a few moments longer, before slipping away into the frigid sea.

Before my sunscreen obsession took root, I did try to wear face moisturizer that contained some SPF. And, because no post about sunscreen would be complete without it, here’s the definition of SPF (which I found surprising! Did you know this is what SPF means?):

SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor and refers to the theoretical amount of time you can stay in the sun without getting sunburned. For example, an SPF of 15 would allow you to stay in the sun 15 times longer than you could without protection. (source.)

Speaking of SPF 15, about a month and a half ago I got this stuff from Tony’s work. It’s light, smells great, is a wonderful moisturizer, and offers my skin a bit of protection from the evil, evil sun.

source. $16.99

But, over the past few weeks, I’ve begun to feel that SPF 15 just isn’t enough. So, at TJ Maxx yesterday, I got this stuff:

source. $39

Because I got it at TJ Maxx, it was only $19.99 rather than $39, but it was still the most I’ve ever spent on sunscreen (also, just to put it in perspective– the bottle is only 3.3 ounces. Suncreen for ants!). However, after two days of using it, I can confidently say that it was worth it. (For the record, I know that dermatologists say that, after SPF 30, you’re just paying for a false peace of mind. I personally like peace of mind in all it’s forms, even the false one, and think it’s worth paying for.)

Unlike other high SPF sunscreens I’ve used in this past, this does not leave a whitish/bluish cast on my skin. It also has a light, inoffensive scent that is not at all suncreen-y. I’ve only used it on my face and chest so far, because it seems like a waste to use this liquid gold on my body. This morning I put it on over my Alba moisturizer, and everything seemed perfect, like I was wrapped in a protective cocoon that was slowly transporting my skin back to babyhood.

Also at TJ Maxx, I got this stuff:

source. $14.99

I got it for $3.99, isn’t that amazing? I’ve not used it yet but I’m excited to. This seems like a good solution for days when I’m at work and won’t be in the sun much, since it’s SPF 30. Hopefully it will help me save my precious Shiseido.

You might be wondering why I’m only talking about face sunscreen. This isn’t just because I prefer to think of myself as a disembodied head, it’s also because I have no advice for body sunscreen. I mean, I do have some body sunscreen that I wear grudgingly, but I’ve yet to find a sunscreen for my body that meets my (apparently high) standards:

• doesn’t smell overpoweringly sunscreen-y (i.e. I can wear it around during that day without smelling like I should be on a beach)
• is at least SPF 30
• doesn’t leave that damn whitish/bluish cast on my skin
• is preferably more natural, since it is ideally going to be on my skin all the time and because skin is permeable and chemicals and aging ahhh

Anyway, while looking up my Alba face moisturizer/sunscreen I found this stuff, which looks like it meets 3/4 of the criteria:

source. $27.75

What is up with Alba only making SPF products up to 15, though? Don’t they know it will take much more than that to turn back the clock? With SPF 15 how do they expect us to get back to the place where we start our lives over again, without making any mistakes this time??

 All you readers who have worked in health food stores, what do you say? I’m convinced there is a body product out there that meets all of my criteria! Also, perhaps there is a better face sunscreen I should use? Quick I need advice before I wake up as a bitter old woman tomorrow!

But he made no distinctions: he read whatever came his way, as if it had been ordained by fate, and despite his many years of reading, he still could not judge what was good and what was not in all that he had read.
-Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
_____________________________________

Ten days ago, three women were rescued from a Cleveland home in which they had been held captive for between 11 and 9 years. It is a horrifying story that is made even more troubling by the fact that one of the women became a mother to a little girl while imprisoned. Lots of the media coverage reduced the story to a simplistic–and unrealistic– form: scary thing happens, hilarious black person is a hero/meme (people who aren’t racist ask, really?!?), everyone is happy.

I have to believe that despite the soundbites most people understand that, although it’s wonderful that these four people are now free, the emotional trauma they’ve experienced will linger for the rest of their lives. Although I completely understand why the women aren’t talking about their experience, I craved a more nuanced version of their story. Call it morbid curiosity or something worse, I just couldn’t stop thinking about what they’d gone through. What’s a person with a weird and deeply rooted fascination with missing women to do?

-

The answer, I’ve learned, is simple: read Room by Emma Donoghue.

Room is the fictional story of a woman who was kidnapped at 19 and now, at 26, is still being held prisoner in a storage shed. The story is told from the perspective of her 5-year-old son, who was born in captivity and has never, in the entire course of his life, left the storage shed.

Nothing makes Ma scared. Except Old Nick maybe. Mostly she calls him just him, I didn’t even know the name for him till I saw a cartoon about a guy that comes in the night called Old Nick. I call the real one that because he comes in the night, but he doesn’t look like the TV guy with a beard and horns and stuff. I asked Ma once is he old,  and she said he’s nearly double her which is pretty old.

The book does an amazing (amazing!) job of explaining, in horrifying detail, the effect of captivity, and attempts at rescue, on both the woman and the boy. Unlike the coverage of the Cleveland women, this is a story told in shades of gray. Troubling, scary, “darkly beautiful” gray.

-

I don’t want to give away the details because I really want all of you to read it. I will tell you that it’s a very easy and quick read, thanks to being narrated by a 5-year-old. If you are as deeply troubled and morbidly curious about kidnapping cases as I am, then there’s really no excuse for you not to read it right now.

It’s the Philster. I don’t have any real life enemies right now, so I have turned all my negative thinking to something that’s completely out of my control: The St. Louis Cardinals. Here’s a collection of my thoughts and feelings from last week.

• What kind of sick person posts a picture of his mom in a see through shirt on Mother’s Day? Answer: St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Matt Holiday. What’s his angle? How many nipples were photoshopped out of this picture? Answer: 8.  And look how awful his brother looks (far left). You know that guy does bad things.

• Something I almost posted on Facebook this week when my friend posted something about the Cardinals being in first place. Ditch the heroes and get with zeros! Hashtag Reds. Hashtag I don’t have any friends anymore.

1. Dateline.

This week I was sick with a cold and stayed home from work for a couple days. While resting and trying to get better, I discovered something amazing: Dateline.

Specifically, I stumbled upon this youtube channel, which features literally hundreds of full Dateline episodes. I have no idea why I haven’t been a religious Dateline fan all my life, because it’s everything I love.  With the tagline “news stories about crime, celebrity, and health,” Dateline has a little something for everyone. And by that I mean Dateline has something for people who enjoy crime involving regular joes and celebrities, because I’ve yet to see an episode about health.

One of the many wonderful things about Dateline is it’s over-the-top narration and interview style. Host Keith Morrison is by far the most wacky and weirdly inappropriate.

This SNL spoof is really funny but, as Tony pointed out after watching a bunch of Dateline with me, it’s really not an exaggeration. Keith Morrison has been a Dateline host since 1995, so there are lots of Keith episodes to watch. I’m obsessed.

Would her obsession with Dateline lead to something more sinister? Tune in as host Keith Morrison investigates.

2. Ants on log.

I don’t know what compelled me to make ants on a log a couple of weeks ago, but now I can’t stop. I have a slight preference for chocolate chip ants, but craisins are a close second. I much prefer almond butter to peanut butter.

I guess I really am in preschool?

On Friday morning I came into the kitchen to find Tony making me ants on a log to take to work for lunch. “I’m giving you a lot of ants today,” he said.

If that’s not the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is.

Improvement, eh?

Thanks to a creepy serial killer Tony, here’s a photo of me applying LiLash in the evening.

And finally, because I think it’s impressive, here’s me wearing mascara.

My dream of having bigger eyelashes has been achieved.

Also, moving on to an entirely different subject, sincere apologies to Chelsey/Immamissus who I upset with my post about Springfield. For the record, that post was really about how I feel bad/weird when I compare myself to bloggers from my hometown (and other people in my life), and wasn’t supposed to be about anyone in particular. Mostly I brought up Springfield bloggers as an inelegant way of talking about insecurity. I don’t know any Springfield bloggers I mentioned personally so I certainly can’t judge whether they’re idiots. [Because of this, I've edited out specific blog names from that post--I shouldn't have mentioned specific blogs in the first place]. Chelsey/Immamissus says she’s not an idiot, and I believe it. Sorry Chelsey! I too have a blog mostly read by family members. It’s fun, right?

It is really, really cool and I love it with all of my heart. I had never worn a broach before and was a little wary, but it turns out that broaches are very easy to wear.

Look at that cute fawn pin! Also, look at how big my eyelashes are (for me)! I’m going to post about my LiLash experience this weekend.

I imagine that someone reading this sent this to me. Please tell me who you are so that I can shower you with thanks!

In the meantime, I will continue to believe that I have a secret admirer who sends me broaches and magazine subscriptions. Which, come on, I clearly have the best secret admirer ever.

That said, I did once have another secret admirer in middle school who gave me a bunch of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes and origami swans before giving up and pursuing someone with boobs.

So, whoever you are, you’ve got a lot to live up to. Unless, oh my gawd, Tyler, is that you?!  I sort of have boobs now! And I still love all varieties of Little Debbies!

First of all, I love it. Second of all, I’m not sure that I love it as much as I love “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows (Interlude)” from FutureSex/LoveSounds (2006).

These two songs beg comparison for multiple reasons. Both are long: “Mirrors” is 8:06 and “Lovestoned” is 7:25. Both follow the same sort of overall structure: a more upbeat first half followed by a slower second half. Finally, both seem to be about relationships JT was in at the time of recording: “Lovestoned” and dating Cameron Diaz, “Mirrors” and married to Jessica Biel. Below, I’ll give you three reasons “Lovestoned” is better than “Mirrors.”

1. Lyrically, “Mirrors” leaves something to be desired. Every time I hear the line, “My mirror staring back at me,” I have to cringe a little. Mirrors don’t stare back, right? Wouldn’t it be infinitely better if JT used the word “reflection”?

Before you accuse me of taking pop lyrics too seriously, let me remind you that JT set this bar himself. We all know what lovestoned means, right? I mean, we all understand what it means in the same way I imagine people of Shakespeare’s day knew what he meant when he made up the words “moonbeam” or “noiseless.” (I will admit to not really knowing what futuresex means. To be fair, does anyone really know what “hob nob” means?). When I expect JT’s lyrics to make sense (especially those that appear in the hook) it’s only because I’m thinking of him in the same league as Shakespeare.

Anyway JT follows “My mirror staring back at me” with: “I couldn’t get any bigger/With anyone else beside of me.” Which, okay, that’s so sweet and perfect. What he’s describing is what we all know real love to be– a thing that somehow manages to make you bigger. (It reminds me a little of this other popular culture thing: Ken and Lisa’s 30-year vow renewal on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. If you haven’t watched it yet, spend 3 minutes doing so. It’s incredibly touching). I wouldn’t give “Mirrors” a failing grade for lyrics, but I’m also not about to give it an A+, either.

2. The structure is less compelling in “Mirrors.” One of the things I absolutely love about “Lovestoned” is that, at the beginning, the phrase, “I think that she knows” means that Cameron Diaz is sexy and she knows it. The whole first half of the song is blissful pop irreverence: Cameron Diaz is getting drunk/high, she knows she’s hot, and JT is optimistic about having sex with her later. After the bridge, though, the whole meaning of “I think that she knows” changes. The rhythm is slower and more poignant, JT does my favorite thing by humming in a song, and all of a sudden “I think that she knows” begins to mean that, wow, JT is really starting to fall in love with this woman and he thinks she knows it. “I’m love stoned from everywhere and she knows/ I think that she knows/Think that she knows, oh, oh.”

I’ve long thought that this trick of “Lovestoned” is one of the best in any pop song. Who else but JT could write a song that makes you want to shake your ass one minute and think deeply about love the next?

I think he’s going for a similar thing in “Mirrors”, but it’s less successful. While, like “Lovestoned,” it’s rhythmically slower in the second half, the song itself is not really about anything different. In fact, rather than tell us anything we haven’t already heard about love and how it relates to this theme of reflection, JT mostly just sings, “You are the love of my life” over and over (beautifully, of course, but I expect more than beautiful singing from him).

I will fight anyone who tells me that “Lovestoned” doesn’t need to be 7 minutes long, but I’m willing to agree that “Mirrors” would be just as effective at 4 or 5 minutes rather than 8.

3. We learn something about Cameron Diaz from “Lovestoned.” First of all, we get the best description of Cameron Diaz ever: “She looks like a model/except she’s got a little more ass.” Which, yes, this is exactly Cameron Diaz’s thing. JT puts his finger right on it in the first 37 seconds of “Lovestoned.” We also learn that she’s “freaky,” “bad,” and “flawless like some uncut ice.”

What, if anything, do we learn about Jessica Biel in “Mirrors”? Her shine is “somethin’ like a mirror,” she’s “an original,” and, of course, she’s JT’s reflection. Or, in other words, not much at all.

Now, I’m willing to admit that comparing the songs in this way may not be fair. One could argue that “Lovestoned” is about Cameron Diaz while “Mirrors” is about how his marriage has changed JT. Then again, especially in the second half of “Lovestoned,” I’d counter that JT is singing about how the relationship is affecting him, while also telling listeners something about who Cameron Diaz is (the kind of woman who can tell when someone is falling in love with her).

Is it fair to expect JT to write a song that tells us about his feelings and the person he’s feeling them for? It’s a tall order, but he’s done it before in “Lovestoned.” It makes me wonder if there’s really just not much to say about Jessica Biel.

Jessica Biel, are you just the shell of a human?

Before I finish this review, I have to give credit to Grace, who helped me appreciate the beauty of “Lovestoned” over 7 years ago. I texted her yesterday to ask her opinion on “Mirrors,” and she wrote back with this insightful idea:

“I think it’s just harder to write an emotionally intense song about a long term partner? Like, I really believed he thought Cameron Diaz had a nice ass, but he doesn’t have as much to say about Jessica Biel. Probably that means he loves her so much he can’t really talk about it.”

Maybe that really is true, and I think it’s as good a theory as any. Or maybe Grace was right when she said, before sending the above, “I do not believe he really loves whatsherface.”

What do you think? Is “Lovestoned” the best song ever written (after “Graceland,” of course)? Are JT and Jessica Biel going to divorce? Am I reading way too much into this?

It all started a month or so ago, when Tony and I had to go to Walmart. On our way out, I noticed Barbercuts, the newest addition to the vending machines, claw machines, and little fake cars you can ride for 75 cents.

I guess the official name is Barbercuts Lite?

Barbercuts is a bit like a claw machine in reverse: all of the electronics and toys are hanging from small strings that you try to cut by guiding the scissors to the exact right place before they snip.

detail shot

Tony and I knew we had to try our hand at it right away, because we love games and because I consider myself an extremely lucky person who can and does win at most games of chance.

We failed miserably 5 times (or $5 worth of failure).

Last Sunday, we went back to Walmart to get a shelf for our bedroom. Once again, on the way out the door, we were drawn to Barbercuts. Tony tried once and got really close. Then the magic happened: Tony tried again and won us a motherfucking netbook!

 A Cynet iView 7-inch Android Netbook, to be precise.

Strangers actually came over to congratulate us on the win and, for the first time ever, Tony and I felt the human connection at Walmart in the soft, fluorescent glow of the Barbercuts machine.

After texting our entire extended families to tell them the good news, racing home to play with our new toy, and basically living this gif for a good two or three hours,

we realized that a 7″ netbook is very, very small. We also remembered that, between us, we own two computers, a smartphone, and an iPad. Basically, we just don’t really need a netbook.

So, we’re selling it on ebay!

Fawn Log will go viral if I just keep putting words on pictures in the style of Pinterest, right? Right?!

So tell all your friends who are in the market for small, computer-like objects! And, for the love of god, play Barbercuts when you get the chance. It is awesome.

Watch this video.

“You and I…You’re my best friend and I hope you do this home run for me”

Best song ever? Vote y/n in comments. I vote y.